Do Yer Part for Nashnal Sekurty

Let me get this straight – I read in the papes the other day that the Eff-Bee-Eye says doing shit like tracking down the last known addresses of liberal New England schoolteachers and tracing calls from New York City cabbies to their ancestral homes in Punjab is somehow slowing down the effort to cull meaningful intel on terrorist activities in this country. To tell you the truth, I don’t know if these guys are really as far off the mark as they think they are. I mean, have you seen some of those teachers? Yikes. And don’t tell me about cabbies because I’ve been in an NYC cab going 90 miles per on the BQE while my kamikaze driver was carrying on some unintelligible klick-klack desert-speak phone call to the homeland and let me tell you, I was fucking terrorized. However, to keep it all in perspective, other than my own f-d up fear of ruler-wielding WASP schoolmarms and my occasional pant-shitting Yellow-Checkered ride home, there haven’t really been any attacks in this country since Nine-Double-One. HAVE THERE? The answer, of course, is NO. There haven’t. So, maybe what the FBI and the NSA and the CIA and the PTA and ELO and whoever else have been doing is actually working. I mean if the powers that be be tellin’ me they’re gonna protect me from those who would do me harm and no harm has really come to me, (except maybe for the time on the train when that dude kicked me in my nuts and took my iPod or when those NYU frat boys stomped me outside that 12th St. bar even though I was pretty much asking for it that time), am I right to say the powers that be are doing it wrong?

Now, common sense would tell you that all this energy might be better spent by the powers that be on, say, working up legitimate terrorist profiles on known rogue elements such as seeing if the guy in the Taliban T-shirt with the expired student visa sweating his way through Florida flight school is really just nervous about acing the big landing exam; or, say, maybe taking a peek at a couple of those thousands and thousands of unchecked cargo containers sitting unguarded on our docks to see if they contain some kind of fuck-you-up nuclear device or maybe they could spend a few hours doing something about our thousands and thousands of miles of un-patrolled border or… hell, I don’t know, ANYTHING ELSE. Common sense, however, has no place in the starched and triplicated world of American Intelligence and if you think for a minute these guys aren’t doing everything they can to keep YOU and YOUR FAMILY safe, then maybe you need a little re-education. Maybe you’re a fucking terrorist yourself and a few days at Gitmo swinging from your elbows with rabid Rottweilers snapping at your privates might help you to remember whose side you’re really on here. Get with the program, jump on the team and come on in for the big win, etc.

Domestic surveillance is just another way of sayin’ “catchin' the bad guys” so if you’re not doing anything bad, then you got nothing to worry about, Osama. That’s not to say I want them to necessarily know how many times I’m hitting BigFatTits.com every month or busting out my weed delivery man but if that’s what it takes to make sure I don’t get blowed up then that’s what it takes. Besides, how funny would it be if the Eff-Bee-Eye showed at the door and started askin’ all kinds of questions about internet porn or whether Diesel is better than NYC Ice? I could tell’em for sure that you don’t ever want to give your girlfriend’s credit card number to no BigFatTits.com and you’re way better off going for the Ice because it’s a much more mellow high, more chatty and sociable, than Diesel which’ll just sink your ass into the couch for the next six hours…

See? I got intel, bros. All kinds of useful 411 that this country needs in its War on Terror. I’m too old and crippled to enlist and I never did get no college education but that doesn’t mean I can’t make my contribution to Nashnal Sekurty. Think what all of us could do together if we really put our collective mind to it…

Shee-it.