Thursday, September 23, 2004

And It's Still Fucking Today

Mosquitoes and cold Tecates at midnight,
Can't believe it's fall and I'm falling
And falling and I've been here before
I want to tell you about how mean those boys can be
Leave you dry to bleed and it's nothing to leave
As easy as wiping away tears

Come to me, tell me
All about how you feel
So hurt, confused, and alone
Come to me, tell me
How you didn't want to see
Him with her
And who the fuck is she, anyway?
Come to me, tell me
Everything you don't want him to know
I can keep a secret

You can trust me

It's a rock song,
Doesn't have to make sense
Doesn't even have to make
You feel better
I know you won't anyway
Why waste my time?

Love is a scrap of paper
Put it in your pocket
Next to credit card receipts
And winning lottery tickets
Keep everything that means anything
Someplace safe

You can change the color of your hair
And the way you walk
Your number and all of your friends
Pretend your phone's not ringing
When you know it's me

Words like a shovel
Digging those graves
And it won't be anything
To leave roses

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Scattered Shots and Smoke from Distant Fires

Grow up with dirt under your nails and the smell of pigshit on your Keds, mail your hope to nobody from your lonely outpost in the middle of Texas nowhere, tell your mom to put down the knife, put it down, and then crawl under your bed with an AM radio. The storms come fast on the flatlands, clouds gather like cocked fists and you only get scared when it gets still. Soon enough it's the sound of a freight train rumbling through your living room -- F5 like a motherfucker -- and when the day breaks, your house is gone. After, your family stands among the rubble, trying to look stoic instead of like newly-homeless white trash and your baby brother holds his favorite toy truck and cries and somebody says something about Jesus's love and God's will and it's then, right then, you know if there is a hell, you are going straight to it. Because you hate Jesus and God and the stupid fucking Holy Ghost and God can take his will and shove it straight up his ass. You just want your baby brother to stop crying and his favorite toy truck back on its shelf and the shelf back on the wall and the wall back on the house and the house back on the lot and it's not much to ask for but God doesn't give a rat's ass about you, your house, or your crying baby brother. You feel God's malevolence like fire on your face and if you could, you'd kill that mean sonofabitch because he is clearly out to get you.

It's not long after God destroys your house, you hear your first punk rock song. You're 11 years old and living in a church basement while your family builds a new house and it's all you can do not to burn that fucking church down. You spend a lot of time outside and it's one of those bad, bad days when you see it -- a copy of the Repo Man soundtrack lying there on the sidewalk outside the church and it's just a cassette, no case, baking on the sidewalk on a late August afternoon. You study the faded lettering and the words on it seem to be written by the Devil himself -- Black Flag, Circle Jerks, Coup d' Etat, When the Shit Hits the Fan, Juicy Bananas, Iggy Pop. It's hot to the touch when you pick it up and it's still hot two minutes later when you sneak it into your walkman and turn the volume way up. From the first chord of the first song, you feel your whole life change like someone turned you inside out and scraped you clean and the blackness inside you suddenly has a voice and that voice is angry, raw, dangerous. You realize instantly everything you have been taught is total bullshit, that life is utterly meaningless, there is no Heaven but only Hell on Earth and as you sit there in the dark of a closet in the basement of a Southern Baptist Church, you know you will never, ever be this happy again.

You get into your first fist fight not long after and the taste of blood in your mouth makes you crazy and you try to beat that kid stupid but he's bigger, older, faster, stronger and he leaves you in a crumpled heap beside the swingset in the city park. The pain and humiliation give you the strength to get up and later, when that kid's at home, they give you the strength to throw a shit-smeared brick through his bedroom window while he sleeps. He'll beat you again for it but you won't care and you'll swear to do worse to him every time he puts his hands on you. Soon enough, that kid and all the other kids will give you a wide berth because you are a way they will never be and your very presence will frighten and intimidate them and you will take solace in their fear and the solitude it provides you. Your only friend will be the music you wrap yourself in like armor and as time goes by, the music will define you. Your parents will not understand you, your teachers will punish you, the institutions you are sent to will try to break you, but the music will always be there for you and the years will pass and, someday, you'll find yourself sitting at a downtown bar, remembering all you've left behind and you will take pride in the fact that you are still here. You will tally the days as you count the scars and the shots will chase beers while outside the winds will gather speed as three-chord guitar tattoos a rhythm on your soul and, furious, you will again curse God and beg him to teach you a lesson.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

There has to be some better way to get through this. The drinking and hiding, bobbing and weaving, trying to stay dry while it rains shit -- this is no way to live. I remember a time not so long ago when the worst thing I had to worry my pretty little head about was whether I'd be able to get into both the Sonic Youth and the Modest Mouse shows for free, and whether I'd have enough money for booze. I didn't think about war, famine, the prison-industrial complex, the Christian Right, abortion rights, starving Africans, the global AIDS epidemic, rogue nations, pre-emptive strikes, cluster bombs, body bags, or any of the other things that now clog my brain on a minute-by-minute basis. Ah, the Age of Ignorance. I was devout. I cooked BBQ, ate drugs, drank Miller High Life, listened to rock and roll all day every day, and at night, with the smell of smoke still thick in my hair, plunged headlong into the fray of wasted youth. I cared only about myself and I'd get fucked up and cry to my friends about how tortured I was, how nothing made sense, how crazy I felt, how the Pain of Life was really fucking getting me down, man. Those were the best days of my life and I proudly threw them away.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Why Is It Always 4 A.M.?

There's a good-sized part of me that really does want the revolution to start a little later than normal time. I mean it would be ideal if the whole thing could start around, say, six or seven-ish. That'd be so much better for me personally. I think the first shots should be fired at night anyway: tracers in the inky blackness, illumination rounds and all that.

Friday, September 17, 2004

Set Your Kitchen on Fire and Dance, Dance, Dance

Too much whiskey and too few cigarets -- the bass, the bass is all that matters -- love you, love you, love you, love you, love you...

massive attack
and I'm being massively attacked
not me
but everyone I know in dreams
there's a very thin line

If I ask for a time-out,....
I want your drugs, I have your money

Tell me how it goes

I wait

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

What I Did on My Summer Vacation: Part I

MOVIE-MAKING ON THE MEAN STREETS; ANGER AND PANIC AT THE RNC

My partners and I are shooting a documentary about the 2004 Summer of Love in NYC, and the Republican National Convention was the heartbeat of the whole story. We worked six straight days during the RNC, shooting everything that moved starting on Friday Aug. 27 when we went to the Critical Mass bike ride. That night started out at Union Square with 5,000 bikers sharing one collective grin and ended up at 2nd Ave. and 9th St. with around 2,000 bikes and not a smile in sight.

The ride wound its way down Broadway from Union Square and then headed back up to the Garden. My team and I worked our way down to St. Mark's Church where the ride was scheduled to end and waited. We were getting radio updates from some of the folks at the church, and we could tell the riders were catching flak all along the route. They'd been split up and diverted and were being arrested in small numbers. The main body of the ride managed to stay together and came en masse to St. Mark's.

When they arrived, they filled three full blocks. The energy was positive -- they felt like they'd gotten one over on the fuzz and they were stoked. They stood in the street, blocking the shit out of traffic and raised their bikes in the air in triumph. The cops were there in a flash, winding their way through the crowd on those ridiculous-ass scooters and it looked the party was coming to an end.

We stood in the street waiting for the inevitable order to disperse. An order which never came. I was in the in the north crosswalk when a scuffle broke out in front of me. One of the scooters had parked on some kid's foot and he couldn't move when they told him to. They grabbed him, he protested, and the next thing you know, a couple of giant cops sat on his head while another put his cuffs on so tight, you could hear him wailing as they dragged him off. The crowd was getting pissed at this point and random plastic bottles sailed toward the main body of cops in the middle of the intersection. It was time to call in back-up. They arrived in force (they'd only been a few blocks away but traffic had kept them out of the area for the first few minutes), and it was all over at that point. They cleared those streets with military precision in a matter of minutes and brought in the paddy wagons.

The cops grabbed about 200 or so people and the same amount of bicycles over the course of the night. Most of those arrested went down easy, but the crowd definitely made themselves felt, especially at first before the Main Cop had a chance to clear the streets. That was when it was the best -- when I could get right up on the action, brush up hard against the energy of an angry mob surrounding a temporarily overwhelmed police force, trying to keep it steady in the riot-helmeted face of painful arrest.

It was my first experience shooting something like that -- the screams of a pulsing crowd "LET THEM GO! LET THEM GO!"; red-faced, angry cops throwing people to the ground right in front of me; the potential for serious violence hanging heavy in the air. It was heady stuff and I fought my way to the middle of it, trying to catch every arrest I could on camera. The cops weren't fucking around but I managed to get a somewhat shaky bluff in and stay on the streets for a long time. Eventually, everybody ended up on the sidewalk, but it was good stuff for awhile.

That first night, NYPD showed a few of the tactics they would refine over the next few days -- uniformed and undercover Scooter Squadrons swooping in like Hell's Angels on Hondas every time the shit even looked like it would hit the fan; the mass arrest mania as if attrition would somehow slow the tide of anger; the "show no mercy" school of cuff and stuff in the hopes that if the kids got a good look at what was waiting for them when the cuffs went on, they'd lose heart and go home. Truth is, even though Friday was only a taste of what was to come, it was the only night save for Tuesday in the whole godforsaken week those kids even stood half a chance. If there'd been a dozen even remotely dedicated anarchists in the whole lot of them on Friday, that street would've run with blood, but it was like we knew all along -- the kids are just hippies at heart, no matter what the Post tells you.

After Friday's melee, the rest of that first weekend passed without much incident for my team. Saturday was dead and Sunday was good only because I got to watch that fucking giant green dragon burn to the ground in front of me. I was right on the corner when it went up but as luck would have it, my back was turned when the sonofabitch first caught. I managed to get around pretty quick on it once I heard the action and ended up with decent footage. The whole giant parade itself was a sight to behold, but there was very little bang-bang. There was some shit later that day in Times Square but we were too late and out of position to get anything out of it. We ended the day at Central Park with our main subject, a girl we were following throughout the week, and she was laying low for the most part. I think we were all subconsciously conserving energy, waiting for the undercard to be over and the Main Event to begin on Monday.

Monday was busy. That was the day we marched twice, the first time from Union Square to the Garden and the second time from the UN to the Garden. The first march went off pretty smoothly. Lots of yelling and chanting but nobody did shit and there was even a live band at the end of the thing. It was sanctioned by the city and it was in the middle of the day, so it wasn't very rowdy. The second one, however, was later and it wasn't sanctioned and there was no live band at the end of it. It was an altogether different experience.

It started out at the UN with fiery speeches -- many, many, many fiery speeches -- and by the time it actually got moving, the skys were gray and going to black. The cops didn't hassle anyone at first and even provided an escort down 2nd Ave., right past the tunnel to 23rd St. where the whole parade began moving west to 7th Ave. The cops are some sneaky motherfuckers and they let the march spread itself thin along 23rd St. before they began picking people off.

It started with a random arrest -- the cops decided to grab somebody, everybody around the arrestee started screaming to let them go, more cops showed up to chase people back, and then it was over. Then there was another arrest. And another. By the time we reached 5th Ave., the cops were picking somebody up at every intersection. The crowd was getting more spread out and more agitated with the whole situation every time it happened. The cops have a nose for this shit and it didn't take long before they brought out the World's Biggest Cop -- the one we reverentially referred to as Hellboy. He was gigantic and black as pitch and had a voice like deep, rolling thunder. He'd yell, "GET BACK!" and swing his club and you'd should've seen those skinny-ass college kids falling all over themselves to get the fuck out of his way. He was like a secret weapon -- the NFL defensive end they keep on ice until they need to seriously restore order. Once we got a look at Hellboy, we knew the day was fucked but what could we do? We were there to document, so document we did.

The march ended at the corner of 31st and 7th Ave. We were back a couple of blocks at 29th when the cops decided to split the march in two and "open traffic." Their reasoning was murky at best, since the only cars on any of the crosstown streets had flashing red and blue lights. The kids knew what was happening, could sense the heat wanted to pen everybody off separately and they were having none of it. They started screaming and yelling when the cops brought out the barricades. The cops stood around debating, waiting for a White Shirt to show up and tell them what to do. After a huddle, they relented and opened up the barricades, allowing a couple of hundred people to flow north. There was nowhere to go since the cops had every exit blocked from 31st back and it didn't take long for the crowd to stop moving. It was at this point that some crazy asshole on a scooter came tearing ass into the crowd. He knocked the shit out of some lady without so much as "Hello," and laid his bike out on the pavement. Nobody knew who the hell he was and a couple of kids jumped on him and started to beat the crap out of him.

Turns out he was undercover, Scooter Squadron police. Dumb asshole didn't bother to identify himself as an officer of the law or beep his little horn before running over people. Just yee-hawed into a crowd that had nowhere to go. What did he expect those kids to do? Just guess he was a fucking cop and levitate their asses out of there? It was dark, nighttime, nobody could see shit and all of a sudden there's women being hit with what appear to be delivery vehicles. Of course, he got stomped. The cop media would have you believe that Det. Dumbshit was out fighting for truth and justice when a gang of vicious hoodlums attacked him, but anybody that was there knows that's bullshit. Hell, watch the news footage from that night. Even the uniforms didn't know he was a cop. They pulled the kid that was doing the stomping off their brother officer and sent him back into the crowd. It was all right there on the news, but the cops spun it the way they wanted you to hear it and chances are you believed what they told you.

At this stage of the game, all bets were off. One of their own was lying in a pool of his own blood and the cops were seriously pissed. They picked up those fucking barricades and started pushing, despite the fact nobody had anywhere to go. We were falling all over ourselves trying to get the fuck out of their way but they'd blocked off all the exits. They were pushing and pushing and yelling "GET BACK!" and soon it was like a little independent media sandwich on our side of the street. Everybody with a camera where we were had somehow ended up on the northeast corner penned in between cops on the sidewalk and cops on the street. It looked like we were done for. Visions of flex-cuffs and rude downtown behavior flashed before my eyes.

I was pissed. I started screaming, "FUCKING ASSHOLE! FUCKING ASSHOLE!" at the cop directly in front of me, the same cop whose breath I could smell every time he hit me in the chest with that fucking metal barricade. Finally, just when it looked like the cops in front of us and the cops behind us might actually be able to touch hands, a White Shirt appeared out of nowhere and told everybody to cool it. He opened up an escape route and let us go. I got one last shot of the cop I'd been screaming at and it was like looking at a mannequin -- he was over the whole scene. I didn't bother to wait for an apology and booked ass with my team.

Later on that night, we met up with our girl and her boyfriend and caught up on their side of the action. They'd been held in the middle of the street for another hour or so and then the cops let everyone go. We called it a night at that point. My team and I went to tell beers and drink stories, and get ready for Tuesday. It was going to be a big day and we wanted to be straight for it. We were too tired to do much damage and headed home to rest up.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

A Plague Descending; Thank God for Rock

So, I'm at Wakamba tonight. I don't know if you know this place. It's up on 8th Ave. around 37th street. It's cool. It's got this whole island, Carribean thing going for it and all of the chicks that work there dress like sluts. It's really clean. I like this bar. Anyway, I walk in, get my Bud, drain it, order another, and sure enough, the dude next to me has to start talking to me. It's like this guy sits in an office all day and everybody hates him and he can't wait to talk to somebody. I'm pretty good at shit like this so I allow myself to be engaged in conversation.
"You like Spanish chicks?" he asks me.
"Sure, man, whatever."
"They give the best head. Fuck the Mexicans. Too Catholic. The Dominicans, the Cubans, the Puerto Ricans, shit. They'll take your whole dick in their mouth. It's the best."
"Cool."
"So what do you do?"
I lie.
"I work as a janitor at the Hearst Building."
"Really?"
"No shit."
"You voting for Kerry?"
"Yeah."
"You're a fucking idiot."
Just like that. From blowjob tips to telling me I'm a fucking idiot. I remain cool. Say nothing.
"Kerry is going to hand this country to the terrorists. George Bush is the only person we've got who can tell these assholes when enough's enough. I was here when those towers fell. I watched my neighbor die. They should nuke that fucking country."
I'm confused.
"Saudi Arabia?" I ask.
"No! Iraq! Fucking terrorists. They should kill'em all."
"What are you talking about? There weren't any Iraqi terrorists until we created them. We..."
He cuts me off.
"Bullshit! You're like a poster boy for the DNC. Iraq, Iran, Korea, Syria -- we should invade all of 'em."
"What?"
"If Kerry wins, we're going to get attacked again. Those fucking terrorists will overrun us."
"So your answer to the international terrorist problem is to attack four more countries?"
"Fuck yes! And you know what? We'll win."
At this point, the guy goes to pee.
I take the high road, pay my tab, and split.

If there's a stray round out there, I hope this guy catches it right between his fucking eyes. I bet there's a few Marines who'd gladly let this asshole take a bullet for them. Fucking hawks and their grand ideas on what we should do. Like to see this guy going house to house in Najaf. He'd probably be a lot less glib with his guts hanging down around his knees.

I don't pretend to begin to know what it's like to be in combat. Sure, I've had the whole soldier fantasy thing. I worked it out. You don't have to read a whole lot of war books to realize the shit's scary. I believe in the Band of Brothers. I cannot even begin to imagine what it's like to watch your friends get their arms and legs blown off, their brains blown out, see the light fade from their eyes as they piss and shit all over themselves. I'm smart enough to know that war is a dirty, rotten business. Even if I only know it from reading books. That said -- How dare this fucking asshole tell me the answer to all of the world's problems is to keep feeding troops into the machine? What the fuck would he know about any of it? Here's a guy who knows less than I do and he's got a hard-on for killing US soldiers. Can't wait to see them die. Fucking Bush supporters. Hawks and killers. Why get your suit dirty when you can just recruit the shit out of the poor? Give'em no options, recruit'em and send'em off to war. "We'll win." Tell it to their mothers, and then cut their benefits.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Later that same night...

I came home tonight and my girlfriend was watching last week's Republican National Convention coverage. The W speech. I was immediately revolted, and not because she was watching it. That part I understand. She's a certified information junkie. She's watching it because she watches everything especially if it's important. She can separate herself from her emotions, watch and listen without getting all carried away and feeling the need to scream at the television. I, on the other hand, cannot.
"What the fuck! I hate that cocksucker!"
She hits the pause button, rolls over, opens her arms.
"What the hell do these people expect this motherfucker to say? We know what he's going to say! Fucking asshole!"
She says nothing, beckons me into her embrace.
She's a good one, my girlfriend.
I continue to rant and rave until the speech ends. She patiently ignores me, listens to the whole speech, then puts on last night's Amazing Race. This makes me happy. I so want the Bowling Moms to win, and I'm ecstatic when those asshole twins get eliminated.

After the Race, I convince her to go get a beer with me. It was a good time. We had a couple of drinks, talked about life, love, family, politics. We still stand amazed that people can approach the election of the President of the United States of America with the same kind of blind fanaticism they usually reserve for their favorite sports teams. There is no discussion of the issues with these people, no discourse on who might actually be fit for the office -- they spend more time weighing the pros and cons of soap than they do deciding who might be the best choice as Leader of the Free World.
"Well, Tide does get those tough grass stains out but then again Cheer is a good bargain. What? Of course I'm voting for George W. Bush. He's a Republican."
I've lost all faith in the American people. Not to say I think they're inherently evil. Just stupid to a fault. We all get what we deserve on this one.

So now I'm here in my underwear, listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, chugging Coronas and wondering when the revolution might really begin. I have a dream to rival King's. I dream of a night in January when that smug dumb asshole takes the Oath for the second time and the first salvo is fired in the Second American Revolution. I dream of the dirty poor armed with recently un-banned assault weapons marching on the White House in a pogrom of destruction to rival the sacking of Phnom Penh. I dream of a burnished Marine General, fed up with feeding his troops into the global meat grinder, seizing simultaneous control of the military and burning public sentiment, leading his rebel army to the gates of the castle, public arrests at dawn in the shadow of the Washington Monument. A white, corn-fed, American Che with freedom on his lips and blood on his hands leading us into the light, ending forever our complacency and finally giving us the Third World fantasy we've been entertaining for the last four years.

But I guess that's just me.

Feels Like the First Time

My first blog and I'm at work. I can't write very much or for very long because I know any minute now somebody's going to bust me doing this instead of making copies or answering the phones or any of the other shit I'm supposed to be doing right now. Anyway, I went through the motions of setting all of this up so I feel like I should at least put something down. Even if it sucks.

Truth be told, the reason I'm doing this is because I've been feeling kinda edgy for the last several years. It started out as a sort of general teenage discontentment with a thinly-veiled layer of anger that evolved into full-on self-destructive twenty-nothing rage, and now that I'm in my 30s, I just feel bewildered and vaguely dangerous. I don't trust myself most of the time, the whole human time-bomb bit. Not that I'm a physically violent person, it's not like that. It's more of an emotional instability, a mental malaise that threatens to take me down from the inside out. I put on a brave face most days and even have a lot of laughs along the way (comedy from tragedy and all that), but really it's been so long since I haven't been pissed off I don't know who I'd be if I wasn't. That's fucked up, but what are you gonna do, huh? At least my girlfriend still loves me.

Okay, I gotta go dump the fucking trash and stock the fridge and work my way towards the door. I'm a production assistant for a hit TV show and these are the kinds of things I do every day. It's not a bad job but really a monkey could do it. Don't get me wrong -- I love being employed and a bad day in show business beats the best day I ever had waiting tables or digging ditches or stocking shelves or any of the other stupid shit I used to do before this gig. This is the only job I've had in the last 13 years where I didn't get dirty doing it. So, it's not the job, per se. It's just that I'd rather be doing anything else, even blogging, than working at any day job.

But, anyway, enough crap for now. I'll try not to sound like such a dipshit the next time I do this. I haven't really figured out what I'm trying to say, yet, or how to say it. I'll get there.