Feels Like the First Time
My first blog and I'm at work. I can't write very much or for very long because I know any minute now somebody's going to bust me doing this instead of making copies or answering the phones or any of the other shit I'm supposed to be doing right now. Anyway, I went through the motions of setting all of this up so I feel like I should at least put something down. Even if it sucks.
Truth be told, the reason I'm doing this is because I've been feeling kinda edgy for the last several years. It started out as a sort of general teenage discontentment with a thinly-veiled layer of anger that evolved into full-on self-destructive twenty-nothing rage, and now that I'm in my 30s, I just feel bewildered and vaguely dangerous. I don't trust myself most of the time, the whole human time-bomb bit. Not that I'm a physically violent person, it's not like that. It's more of an emotional instability, a mental malaise that threatens to take me down from the inside out. I put on a brave face most days and even have a lot of laughs along the way (comedy from tragedy and all that), but really it's been so long since I haven't been pissed off I don't know who I'd be if I wasn't. That's fucked up, but what are you gonna do, huh? At least my girlfriend still loves me.
Okay, I gotta go dump the fucking trash and stock the fridge and work my way towards the door. I'm a production assistant for a hit TV show and these are the kinds of things I do every day. It's not a bad job but really a monkey could do it. Don't get me wrong -- I love being employed and a bad day in show business beats the best day I ever had waiting tables or digging ditches or stocking shelves or any of the other stupid shit I used to do before this gig. This is the only job I've had in the last 13 years where I didn't get dirty doing it. So, it's not the job, per se. It's just that I'd rather be doing anything else, even blogging, than working at any day job.
But, anyway, enough crap for now. I'll try not to sound like such a dipshit the next time I do this. I haven't really figured out what I'm trying to say, yet, or how to say it. I'll get there.
Truth be told, the reason I'm doing this is because I've been feeling kinda edgy for the last several years. It started out as a sort of general teenage discontentment with a thinly-veiled layer of anger that evolved into full-on self-destructive twenty-nothing rage, and now that I'm in my 30s, I just feel bewildered and vaguely dangerous. I don't trust myself most of the time, the whole human time-bomb bit. Not that I'm a physically violent person, it's not like that. It's more of an emotional instability, a mental malaise that threatens to take me down from the inside out. I put on a brave face most days and even have a lot of laughs along the way (comedy from tragedy and all that), but really it's been so long since I haven't been pissed off I don't know who I'd be if I wasn't. That's fucked up, but what are you gonna do, huh? At least my girlfriend still loves me.
Okay, I gotta go dump the fucking trash and stock the fridge and work my way towards the door. I'm a production assistant for a hit TV show and these are the kinds of things I do every day. It's not a bad job but really a monkey could do it. Don't get me wrong -- I love being employed and a bad day in show business beats the best day I ever had waiting tables or digging ditches or stocking shelves or any of the other stupid shit I used to do before this gig. This is the only job I've had in the last 13 years where I didn't get dirty doing it. So, it's not the job, per se. It's just that I'd rather be doing anything else, even blogging, than working at any day job.
But, anyway, enough crap for now. I'll try not to sound like such a dipshit the next time I do this. I haven't really figured out what I'm trying to say, yet, or how to say it. I'll get there.
posted by Guts at 6:13 PM
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