Dispatches from the Front of the War on Christmas
NYC -- Heeding the call to arms set forth by the Liberal Media Army, Messupachristmasa in U.S., Queers Against Christmas, Menorah Defenders, and numerous other insurgent groups, thousands and thousands of Americans have joined ranks to wage unholy war on the combined armies of Little Baby Jesus and Santa.
Prompted by a non-stop barrage of propaganda put forth by these groups in recent weeks, insurgent forces took to the streets last week in a pogrom of destruction, setting Christmas trees alight, overturning Nativity scenes, and, in at least one instance, setting a drunken bell-ringing Santa on fire outside a JCPenny's in Dallas, Texas. The Santa's situation remains stable.
Reports of violence and destruction have been coming in from around the country as the War on Christmas heats up in this the final week before December 25.
Santa Helper and Little Baby Jesus General Bill O'Reilly said in a press release, "The hippies and Jews and God-haters of the insurgency will be destroyed by the righteous hand of Little Baby Jesus and the left hoof of fucking Prancer. We will rain down a shitstorm of commercialism and disingenous good cheer on all those who would oppose us; smothering them in platitudes and spending. Fuckers won't know what hit them."
Reports from around the country suggest a rising tide of anger this year due to a common perception of 2005 as a year when God clearly was not paying attention.
"2005 blew," one insurgent leader said. "W., Katrina, fires, tornadoes, floods, Iraq -- God hates us. If it's the last thing I do, I'll take Christmas and shove it right up his ass."
Prompted by a non-stop barrage of propaganda put forth by these groups in recent weeks, insurgent forces took to the streets last week in a pogrom of destruction, setting Christmas trees alight, overturning Nativity scenes, and, in at least one instance, setting a drunken bell-ringing Santa on fire outside a JCPenny's in Dallas, Texas. The Santa's situation remains stable.
Reports of violence and destruction have been coming in from around the country as the War on Christmas heats up in this the final week before December 25.
Santa Helper and Little Baby Jesus General Bill O'Reilly said in a press release, "The hippies and Jews and God-haters of the insurgency will be destroyed by the righteous hand of Little Baby Jesus and the left hoof of fucking Prancer. We will rain down a shitstorm of commercialism and disingenous good cheer on all those who would oppose us; smothering them in platitudes and spending. Fuckers won't know what hit them."
Reports from around the country suggest a rising tide of anger this year due to a common perception of 2005 as a year when God clearly was not paying attention.
"2005 blew," one insurgent leader said. "W., Katrina, fires, tornadoes, floods, Iraq -- God hates us. If it's the last thing I do, I'll take Christmas and shove it right up his ass."
posted by Guts at 9:53 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home